Browsing Quotes With Tag: humor (154)
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The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.
Speaker: Mark TwainPosted: 24 Dec 2014 at 9:22 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.
Speaker: Dorothy ParkerPosted: 24 Dec 2014 at 9:21 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
When people say “clean as a whistle,” they forget that a whistle is full of spit!
Speaker: George CarlinPosted: 10 Nov 2014 at 11:17 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
When I was a little boy I used to read about the decline of western civilization. And I decided it was something I’d like to make a contribution to.
Speaker: George CarlinPosted: 10 Nov 2014 at 11:16 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
You know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. “200 dead as Number 3 slams ashore,” is not nearly as interesting a headline as, “Charlie kills 200.” Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.
Speaker: George CarlinPosted: 10 Nov 2014 at 11:16 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
The decay and disintegration of this culture is astonishingly amusing if you’re emotionally detached from it. And I’ve always viewed it from a safe distance.
Speaker: George CarlinPosted: 10 Nov 2014 at 11:14 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
Toddler soccer is like watching a political discussion on cable news. It starts off serious and ends in embarrassment for all involved.
Speaker: Jim GaffiganSource: Dad is FatPosted: 27 Jun 2014 at 3:00 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Speaker: unknownPosted: 09 Feb 2014 at 5:53 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
Luck is opportunity plus preparation plus luck.
Speaker: Jane EspensonPosted: 09 Feb 2014 at 5:52 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
Market exchange is a pathetically inadequate substitute for love, but it scales better.
Speaker: S.T. RevPosted: 09 Feb 2014 at 5:49 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
Nobody is smart enough to be wrong all the time
Speaker: Ken WilberPosted: 09 Feb 2014 at 5:47 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
Luck is statistics taken personally
Speaker: Penn JelletePosted: 09 Feb 2014 at 5:46 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
A bet is a tax on bullshit.
Speaker: Alex TabarrokPosted: 09 Feb 2014 at 5:46 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
Marching through life with a confederate in mirth is one of the greatest pleasures that can befall a man, woman, or chipmunk.
Speaker: Nick OffermanSource: Paddle Your Own CanoePosted: 19 Jan 2014 at 11:52 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
If there is a God, no part of the Bible of Christian doctrine will convince me of His existence half as much as the flavor of a barbecued pork rib.
Speaker: Nick OffermanSource: Paddle Your Own CanoePosted: 19 Jan 2014 at 11:47 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
A gentleman is someone who can play the accordion, but doesn’t.
Speaker: Tom WaitsSource: Paddle Your Own CanoePosted: 19 Jan 2014 at 11:45 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.
Speaker: George CarlinSource: 7 Dirty WordsPosted: 12 Jan 2014 at 3:52 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
Life is a festival only to the wise
Speaker: Ralph Waldo EmersonSource: 7 Dirty WordsPosted: 12 Jan 2014 at 3:52 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
Speaker: AnonymousPosted: 09 Dec 2013 at 9:01 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
Your twenties are all about taking your childhood out on everyone you run into.
Speaker: Bill BurrSource: http://www.billburr.com/podcastPosted: 04 Dec 2013 at 10:39 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment!