Browsing Quotes With Tag: humor (154)
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Never face facts; if you do, you’ll never get up in the morning.
Speaker: Marlo ThomasPosted: 01 Sep 2009 at 9:10 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
Crazy Town Hall Lady: Why do you continue to support a Nazi [health care] policy, as Obama has expressly supported this policy? Why are you supporting it?
Barney Frank: When you ask me that question, I am going to revert to my ethnic heritage and answer your question with a question: On what planet do you spend most of your time?
Jon Stewart: Apparently a planet where a mixed-race president and a gay Jew qualify as Nazis.
Speaker: Jon StewartPosted: 23 Aug 2009 at 9:50 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
I didn’t think this day would come. Squeaky Fromme – tried to assassinate President Gerald Ford – she’s been let out of prison. She was paroled. Is she going to get a job? If you think about it, there aren’t many jobs for unstable, gun-toting women unless she wants to run for governor of Alaska.
Speaker: David LettermanPosted: 23 Aug 2009 at 9:45 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
I try to avoid having thoughts. They lead to other thoughts, and – if you’re not careful – those lead to actions. Actions make you tired. I have this on rather good authority from someone who once read it in a book.
Speaker: LightsongSource: WarbreakerPosted: 16 Aug 2009 at 1:27 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
I never make fun of ladies… Mocking a woman is like drinking too much wine. It may be fun for a short time, but the hangover is hell.
Speaker: LightsongSource: WarbreakerPosted: 16 Aug 2009 at 1:25 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
If you want to make God laugh, tell her your plans.
Speaker: Annie LamottSource: bird by birdPosted: 16 Aug 2009 at 1:04 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
We who are
your closest friends
feel the time
has come to tell you
that every Thursday
we have been meeting,
as a group,
to devise ways
to keep you
in perpetual uncertainty
frustration
discontent and
torture
by neither loving you
as much as you want
nor cutting you adrift.
Your analyst is
in on it,
plus your boyfriend
and your ex-husband;
and we have pledged
to disappoint you
as long as you need us.
In announcing our
association
we realize we have
placed in your hands
a possible antidote
against uncertainty
indeed against ourselves.
But since our Thursday nights
have brought us
to a community
of purpose
rare in itself
with you as
the natural center,
we feel hopeful you
will continue to make unreasonable
demands for affection
if not as a consequence
of your disastrous personality
then for the good of the collective.Speaker: Phillip LopateSource: bird by birdPosted: 16 Aug 2009 at 12:48 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
Sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
Speaker: Lewis CarrollPosted: 07 Aug 2009 at 1:38 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs, jolted by every pebble in the road.”
Speaker: "A Wise Person"Source: Happiness: 3 amazing tips from the world's oldest case study, by Yeah Dave (David Romanelli)Posted: 27 Jun 2009 at 8:54 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
I knew success was within reach when I was able to ignite and melt the pan using seven beef sticks and a cucumber.
Speaker: Theo GraySource: http://slashdot.org/Posted: 17 Apr 2009 at 2:48 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
Life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% mortality rate.
Speaker: AnonymousPosted: 20 Mar 2009 at 11:19 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
A magician pulls rabbits out of hats. An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rats.
Speaker: AnonymousPosted: 20 Mar 2009 at 11:18 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no effect on society.
Speaker: Mark TwainPosted: 20 Mar 2009 at 11:16 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
What do you mean? Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?
Speaker: J.R.R. TolkienPosted: 20 Mar 2009 at 11:07 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
Speaker: J.R.R. TolkienSource: The Lord of the RingsPosted: 20 Mar 2009 at 11:05 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
Never laugh at a live dragon.
Speaker: J.R.R. TolkienSource: The HobbitPosted: 20 Mar 2009 at 11:04 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
Wizards after all are wizards.
Speaker: J.R.R. TolkienSource: The HobbitPosted: 20 Mar 2009 at 11:03 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
I will not play at tug-o-war,
I’d rather play at hug-o-war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs.
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug.
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.Speaker: Shel SilversteinPosted: 20 Mar 2009 at 9:45 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
The fickleness of the women I love is only equaled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me.
Speaker: George Bernard ShawPosted: 20 Mar 2009 at 9:42 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.
Speaker: George Bernard ShawPosted: 20 Mar 2009 at 9:40 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment!